Avery's Birth and Breast Feeding Rant

My due date for my daughter, Avery, was January 25th 2013. Her dad and I a.k.a. DB, had been separated for about 3 months, and he only attended one of my OBGYN appointments. I had to force him to go when I had my sonogram to find out what the sex was and when he found out the only thing he could say is that he hopes that she is like his sister (might I add that she is border line alcoholic at the age of 19, and she is a lump of a girl, not physically, but personality wise), and that he couldn't believe that he was having a girl, saying it in almost a negative way. So I wasn't thrilled as I should have been. Being with him made me put a damper on every feeling I had, all of the time...
But I digress; I reached my due date and my doctor scheduled me to be induced that weekend, it just happened/ planned for the time my mom had me scheduled off.

Sunday night, the 28th I went into the hospital, got admitted, and settled in. The first room, the tv didn't work so they moved us and we waited for the doctor to come in. After a bit and the general check, vitals and such, they gave me my first drug, called cervidil. That was used to ripen and dilate my cervix, I was accepted into the hospital at 2 cm 70% effaced. 12 hours later, the amount of time they require the cervidil to be in, I was at 4 cm 90% effaced, this is where it all gets blurry. I know that they moved me up to labor and delivery about 4pm or so and went through labor like I had expected. Only, I don't have that high of a pain threshold and I wanted to do it o' natural! Psych! I was dilated to about 5 centimeters and I was crying and trying to be okay so they wouldn't offer me the epidural. I was on Pitocin already, and an IV for my strep b, and for the regular fluids. But I caved, and got the epidural, Its a catheter in your back that pumps meds into you, and you get this neat button and can control it, or so you'd think. No. You get to push it every 15 minutes, they told me every time my blood pressure cuff went off I could use it. And I did, religiously.

But I was numb up until like, 8 or 9 cms, then I felt like I HAD to go to the bathroom... HAD too. And they checked me and I was ready to push but they said it can be anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour for a first time mom. I told them that they needed to hurry and get ready cause she's coming, and they were like no, it just feels that way, I am like NO. She's coming. I pushed for a total of 20 minutes, and honestly IT DIDN'T FEEL THAT LONG. Then she came out and they rubbed her for a good minute on me, and put a hat on her, meemaw cut her cord. And they left me to keep her skin to skin for an hour. I had torn so while I was distracted with Avery, they stitched me up and it pinched uncomfortably, but not terribly so, but while I do skin to skin they wanted to see me breast fed and they went straight for a nipple shield. My nipples were so engorged form the IV fluids that the literally wouldn't come to a point. So the shield worked for a while and the consultant told me that I was doing fine, and just keep at it, I told her I wanted to give her an oz of formula so I could stop stressing that she's not gotten anything. And I did, I gave it to her, and she loved it, but after words I couldn't get her to stick to using my boob. She kept having issues with the size of my nipple and then she got spoiled by using bottles and I pumped for ages it seemed, I had a better relationship with the pump for the first two weeks that I had with Avery. But about a month and a half later I decided that I had tried and tried, I hadn't been able to stock pile any milk and then I had a surge of supply and Avery still wouldn't take the nipple so I kept pumping and since I was getting more out of a session I did it for a while, but then my supply dwindled, and I got really upset and I tried all that I could to get her to keep drinking and keep with the breast feeding even if it was exclusively pumping, and I couldn't get enough milk to keep up with her so eventually I let it go.

The reason I tell you all of this is because I went to a baby shower today and they asked how old Avery is, I told her 4 months and she asked me why I wasn't breast feeding... 1.) that is a personal decision. 2.) It kinda stung because I tried to do it so hard and I didn't get any real appreciation for even trying and 3.) BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! LMAO.
 yeah. I went there. I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening and if there are any readers out there go ahead and let me know about your birth experiences and breast feeding stories.

Strawberry Fun

 

This is the product of boredom and a sweet tooth.

I thought that I would post it step by step even though it is one of those things that is pretty basic. :)

My grandmother tired one of them and she loved the one with cream cheese in it.

 

First I got all of my things ready.

Hershey's chocolate bar; Separate the pieces and then cut them in half so they melt easier and put them in a small glass bowl.

Strawberries.

A knife.

Wax paper.

Cream Cheese. (I used Philadelphia.)

A Ziploc bag.

 

Not all supplies pictured here.

 First get your strawberries hollowed out.

 

After getting all the strawberries hollowed out take your cream cheese of choice; and put it in a plastic bag, the sandwich bags work best, but I only had snack bags.

 

 

Use the Ziploc like a pastry bag and fill the strawberries. You can skip this if you want to do the chocolate filled ones, but the cream cheese ones are for chocolate covered strawberries.

 

 

This is how far you should fill the strawberries if your going to.

 



 

Then put your chocolate in the glass bowl and place it in a sauce pan of boiling water. Stir it so it doesn't burn and then remove it from the burner, but keep the chocolate in the water so it doesn't get hard.

 

 

Place the wax paper down. Now here is where I made the mistake. I placed the wax paper on the counter. So when It comes time to chill it, I had to shift it to a tray and they slid. SO put your wax paper ON a tray before you put the strawberries down.

 

 

When You go to do the chocolate filled strawberries, just take a spoon full of it and carefully fill the strawberry. Then let it spill out when you lay it down. Its just a cool visual affect.

 

 

This is after I slid the berries onto a tray. You can see the ones that shifted at the bottom left.

 

 

Then chill it in the fridge for about twenty minutes. I let it sit longer because I did them before I ate dinner. :)

 

 

I enjoyed doing these; and the only thing I think I will do differently is blend some powdered sugar into the cream cheese, so it has a sweeter taste and a lighter texture. I'll let you all know how it goes.

 

Until Next Time.

 



Song Breakdown in Relation to me: Adele- I'll Be Waiting

I am a firm believer that you can send messages in songs so often times my facebook will have song lyrics dedicated to a certain someone. So this one I found while looking at lyrics is for Jak.

Adele: I'll Be Waiting

Hold me closer one more time,
Say that you love me in your last goodbye,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Yes, I swam dirty waters,
But you pushed me in,
I've seen your face under every sky,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you,
Jak and I spend so much time talking and just getting to know each other that I feel if it were never to work out in my favor again I would want to see him one last time just to get that sense of closure, that last hug. And to end it all on amicable terms. He didn't push me in so that line isn't true to anything. "We were the greatest me and you." Now I am gonna quote Lexi from Vampire Diaries, to Stephen Salvatore. "Yes she was an epic love, but contrary to popular belief, there is more than one person out there, especially for a vampire." While the vampire part holds nothing for me, that line kind of hit home, followed by, "All you have to do to find it, is let go." I feel like that would be the hardest part and take the longest time.

 But we had time against us,
Miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you,
Time wasn't against us, it was in our favor, I was against us. But we were in a long distance relationship. And if God existed he drew us together and free will the bane of biblical existence, took us apart and God would cry, you know if he existed. Jak wouldn't talk to me, but he does now and that gives me hope, blue skies = Hope. And he is my future.

 I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you,

That last one speaks for itself. I sucked. I took and didn't give him anything back when I should have.

 Let me stay here for just one more night,
Build your world around me,
And pull me to the light,
So I can tell you that I was wrong,
I was a child then, but now I'm willing to learn,
Things were dark when he didn't tell me he had feelings for me. Things are dark when we don't talk so I would love to just fall back into his world as had happened everytime I flew to visit him. I had emmersed myself into every aspect of his life, Showering, I drove him to work, I picked him up from work. Took him lunch. I would admit it time and time again if it would help that he is right for me and I was wrong for leaving him. I screwed up and with every mess up a mature person learns. I would like to think that post partum, and post DB I have learned a great deal. But most of all I learned that things aren't what they appear all the time, but when You know something in your heart, believe your heart above all else.

 But we had time against us,
Miles between us,
The heavens cried,

I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you,

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you,

Time against us,
Miles between us,
Heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
Time against us,
Miles between us,
Heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
I know I left you speechless,
I'll be waiting,

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you.

The rest is just things repeated. Ultimately I love him. He can't see it right now, So I am waiting, hoping he is doing a lot of soul searching, and figuring out his feelings, and I'm hoping that karma doesn't bite me for treating him so horribly. Please.... Just give me my love back. If I get him back in my arms and can have him? I will cherish him like no one else (EXCEPT AVERY) will ever know. *(And our future children)*

Rant about fictional love

I kind of wish that life was like it is in Hollywood. Be it TV or movies. Love seems so grand, and you feel for the characters, and then when they realize what’s going on it’s like some big epiphany. Like someone smacked them with a frying pan and said HELLO! I claim false advertising. People watch that and they appreciate that it is a story line, but at the same time it is showing people, mainly girls, glorified ideals of what love is. I am all for glorifying love, but not in the way that they do for TV and movies. Love is pleasure and pain at the same time. It is fleeting but lasts forever. LOVE is a walking contradiction! You can love with your whole heart and you can love all of the people that you want, but love gets rejected, love can be maimed and injured, as if it were something tangible, or corporeal.
I want that love that when people look at us, their heart soars, and a tear is brought to their eye; but I will never have it, even with Jak. What he and I had was something in and of itself; its’ own little corner of the broad spectrum of love with a tentacle in every part of it. But the reason that he and I won’t ever have that Hollywood love is because the people that do don’t end up happily ever after. Or that is what I tell myself.
Love takes a good amount of effort, simply because life throws you curve balls. Life hands you bad decisions and when common sense doesn’t take over, it can ruin an other wise perfect relationship. Torn to pieces in the dirt, that when you go to put them back together you find you are missing a piece or you have an extra for some reason. So don’t watch those shows and get down on yourself because you don’t have what they have. That is fake and made of film. It is much better to have a relationship that you have put your whole heart into and that you can say you made work. That you broke it and fixed it up and made it what it is today. That is much better than something serendipitous.

Emotion post 1

Like I said I have been talking to Jak a lot lately and I am just finding it so hard to be friends when all I want to do is tell him how much I love him and how much I need him close to me right now. And he could be farther away but my heart isn't taking the distance well. I  feel like with Jak I fucked up beyond repair. And FL... I don't think that it was ever gonna last, just one of those things that was fun while it lasted. And now I feel kinda messed up from DB. Like. MESSED UP. Like I don't deserve Jak ever. And that DB cheated cause I wasn't enough, then logic kicks in and My heart just hurts. I don't feel like my mom enjoys my company any more and I feel like I just bug my grandma when I get here, cause I get tired and nap and then she has to deal with Avery and I feel like I should be super mom and I cant, cause I can't entertain her and clean my room; or my house. I feel like shit, and I feel broken. And I feel like I am not really good for any thing right now....

I feel like I need Jak like I need air. I need him in a way that he isn't ready to be here for me and its killing me. I know that he needs time but, even so it doesn't make now any easier...

I want to talk to him all the time...

Jak is the light, I'll reach him. It just takes time. I need to cry, I know but I just cried a bit. But I can't ugly cry like I need to. I physically can't. Everyone is sleeping and I have to be quiet so I am trying to settle for silently weeping.  I feel like crying like that right now would wake people up.

So I just took a shot of spiced rum, smoked a cigarette. And now I am gonna go crawl into bed and hope I don't wake Avery up.

Night all thanks for putting up with my emotionally dramatic post.

Truth Or Lies?

So I didn't know what to put in this blog, but after thinking and talking to my grandmother, I came up with a thought topic. I have been told that DB could be facing up to 15 years prison time. And my mother HATES him. He didn't do anything for the house hold, he treated the people who cared about him with disrespect, and as much as I would like the imaginary version I have of him to be real and in Avery's life, I cannot have it; Imaginary isn't real, plus, I want her to grow up with a proper gentleman as a role model.

But as we were discussing this with the three generations, Grandmother, Mother, and Myself; my mom decided to let me know that she felt strongly that we shouldn't tell Avery where her dad is and should tell her that he is dead... Now while I don't want him in her life, equally, I don't want my relationship with her built on that lie. So when she Google's his name one day and finds out that he is just in jail? I suddenly become a liar about EVERYTHING. That is just how it goes with teenagers. Even if you are doing something because you know it would be better in the long run? A teenager isn't going to see that, So what I wanted to do and my grandma agreed, is to tell her the truth.

But after talking to my father. Wise man that he can be told me that in 15 years, I won't necessarily have tabs on him. SO I just tell her that I don't know where he is. He could be sent to any county. And its going to get to tedious to keep up with it so it would make sense to just say I don't know.

Now here is your opportunity. What do you think I should do? I see there is minimal traffic to my site, and if you feel like letting me know that you exist, feel free to comment.

Until next time.

Continuation of A first post in My Life Blog

My little Avery. This is my inspiration. She is the reason I am writing all of this, to get it on theoretical paper, and to use this as a grounding place. Where I can put my thoughts and feelings, stories that I want her to know when she gets older. All kinds of things.

It's because of her that I had to tear myself away from DB; don't be fooled by his alias, it's not Douche bag because I don't love him because in a way I do. I don't love how he treated me, I don't love all the lies that he told me. But I do love this little angel that he gave me, and after convincing me that I did love him, I realized that I do, I loved the idea of him and what he said he could be. I am not a jaded person so I always believe the best of people.

When I realized that he wouldn't change, I messaged Jak. I sent him a long email basically saying that I didn't know what I was thinking that he was all I had ever wanted and that is how it would always be. That I know I hurt him and I couldn't be more sorry for anything in my life. He responded a week later saying that he didn't know what to say. I told him not to say anything because I didn't want him to say anything without thinking about it. A few days later he messaged me saying that he didn't have those kinds of feelings for me any more. Then a couple of weeks later he messaged me saying that did have feelings for me and he didn't know what they meant, so he was/is working on figuring them out and that he didn't want me to be held back (from dating I assume) and that he just wanted me to know.

Since those few messages we have spoken on amicable terms and have been very close to friendly. But not quite. I don't want to push him to hard because I don't want him to pull away. But I am very hopeful. He just had surgery from a car accident that he had in 2001. He wanted the screws that they put into his hips to be taken out. So I am hoping texting will be a little bit more regular.

I love him. I love him with everything I have ever known and there is an ache constantly in my heart because I know that what I did hurt him beyond anything I could ever say. All I want to do is tell him that I love him and I want him to be Avery's dad. It is unfair of me to ask that but I want to so badly. I would gladly pack up and move and then start our life over. I feel like I should move there with out him knowing and surprise him but it just is not possible. I don't think he will ever know how much I thought about him or how badly I wish that Avery was biologically his. And I know that he wishes the same thing because he has told me so. I don't know; I don't really have anything more to say about the matter so I am going to go before I say anything that doesn't make sense.

I will post some thoughts on motherhood along with some more pictures of my little Pudge. :)
Call it a tribute to my first mother's day as a mom. :P

A First Post in my Life Blog

First a little bit about myself before I get to the nitty gritty. I'm twenty two years old as of April 18th, and as of January 29th, I am a mother to a wonderful little girl. I have loved for real twice in my life and have caused both heart breaks. I am a thinker and a people person, I love to read and listen to music, but most of all I love to be around my friends and family. Right now I am working one day a week and I am trying to return to school to be an EMT/Paramedic. I hate to be cliché but right now I am head over heels in love and don't know what to do about it. NOW. Down to the nitty gritty. It'll be the longest post this blog ever sees by the way. So bear with me.

To get the gist of this I have to take it back about seven years; (holy shit, I cannot believe it’s been that long!) I am 15 with the first love, and he was all I could think about. Until I realized he cheated on me. Now I say cheated on me, but the relationship that I was in was long distance so it’s cheating in my eyes. I had forgiven him and we were still together, but he, unbeknown to me, was talking to a girl that he was cheating on me with (again.) and she and I became friends. Talking on the phone when I wasn't on the phone with my at the time boyfriend. And she was really strange let me tell you! But she was responsible for introducing me to more people, ALL states away. One person however really stuck. We will call him Jak. Jak and I talked continuously for days, texting for ages, and when we got on the phone there wasn't really a moment of silence. While my first impression of him was somewhat questionable and lewd, he intrigued me. Being 8 whole years older than me I kept my mother oblivious because obviously she'd disapprove. So we talked for a good long while.

Jak increased my self-esteem, he made me feel empowered. He in the short time we knew each other, he knew what to say to get me riled up and to calm me down. How to ask me questions to get me thinking without telling me what to think, and he also made me fall in love with him. All while dating my first love. He, the first love cheated on me again and I hadn't quite found my voice all of the time especially when it came to boys. So I forgave him and it drove Jak CRAZY. He told me that he could stand to see me not stand up for myself and watch me get walked all over. So he returned to the solitude of his family’s property in Mississippi, where cell service couldn't reach in an attempt to separate himself from his feelings for me. That lasted a whole year. We start talking again, and nothing has really changed. Then some time passes and I'm still with the cheater, my first love(referred to now on as FL) and he takes a job deal that sends him to war zones, building communication centers for the military, I think.... But anyway he had been dating this girl and during that time she sent me a text message from his phone stating that the people he was with got hit by an IED and that was all the text said. I questioned her and she wasn't specific. After crying my eyes out for about a week, an email appeared in my inbox saying that he was okay and that we could email for a bit, so we did. It was a very cold very brief talking, but it reassured me that he was okay. Then he got state side my senior year in high school, texted me during class announcing that and said he’d talk to me later, and I started bawling. I cried so hard out of happiness. We texted for the rest of the day. Nothing had changed he apologized for his girlfriends behavior when texting me, and she had wreaked havoc on him while he was gone, accumulating traffic tickets on his car, and causing his dad problems. We talked with the same vigor we did before.

The end of the year comes and I went to prom with FL. Then broke up with him a few days later. I wanted to have that memory with him and I wanted him to have that memory but at that point he had cheated on me 3 times. And 3 strikes you're out! It was Jak brought that had brought it to my attention that it was no longer a healthy relationship for me to be in. So I ended it. I cried, talked to Jak, and he stuttered as he told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. I told him that at the time I didn't want to feel things for him that were remnants of what I felt for the first guy, so I gave him a year. I told him to ask me again in a year and that I would reply then. We still talked all the time and nothing had diminished, as a matter of fact....

(Flashback: once he drove all the way down from Mississippi one summer to meet me at my dad’s condo. So when he got there I disappeared from the condo for the rest of the afternoon which was unusual. Generally I was hanging out with my cousins. But Lexi, my sister, and I were hanging out with Jak on the beach at sunset. He got in the water with me and held me for the briefest of moments, then we got out because my dad had summoned us from the shark infested waters of New Smyrna Beach. We sat on the wall in the sand and talked. Then went up to the condo's pool. Where we played Frisbee and my dad had once again realized that I was hanging out with some one that he didn't know and that I should not be seeing. We hung out for a total of 10 hours after he had driven 12-15 hours to come see me, and drove that distance back. For a fifteen year old. I don't know how many people would do that and as I specify this and talk about to people I probably don't know, it will seem creepy, but it was far from that. It was innocent and fun, but in hindsight it was dangerous. But my dad told my mom and I was forbidden to talk to him and I listened, for about a day. I could NOT go without talking to this man.)

The rest of the specified year passes and with one day, one solitary day left he asks me if I wanted to be his girlfriend saying that he could not wait. So I said yes laughing because normally he is so incredibly patient. My life with him was happy. He moved from Mississippi to Virginia at some point, details kind of blur, but this man made me incredibly happy. I was at his dads wedding we had our first kiss on my couch watching the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was bliss. Which brings me to realize that I didn't know how much he meant to me until after he was gone...

I was supposed to move up and live with him in Virginia. I was packed and ready to go and the second week before I was to move, Jak's cousin was in town and he was showing her around. And not talking to me as much. Which made me mad seeing as I was up-rooting my life to make it ours and he doesn't have the decency to talk to me? I was angry, then the next week was my fault, I was so busy saying good bye to friends and family that by the time I got home I was exhausted. On the 24 I had my going away/ birthday party where I had told people to invite all of their friends cause I wanted to play football, freeze tag, all the games we could think of and then go swimming. Then I met Avery's Dad, Now known as Douche-Bag. DB for short. He looked like one initially, black hat, pants, shirt, shoes. EVERYTHING. He had that air of douchebag, and I found him incredibly sexy. I flirted and things escalated to a false sense of love.
 
I broke up with Jak, and was heartbroken. That right there should have sent up red flags. But no. Two months after being with DB, he tells me he's going to jail because of his WIFE. He is in jail for 9 months and I am patient and I wait. Then he gets out and is different. I wait hoping that it will change and it doesn't then he gets sneaky. I say it’s just because he's not used to privacy from being in jail. THEN I get pregnant......... We are happy and he is back to how he was pre-jail. For about a month. Then I feel him sneaking and just being a bad boyfriend. By now all the things that Jak had instilled in me had gone out the window and I was back to the spineless pile of flesh that was me. November of 2012 rolls around and I catch him cheating, strike one. He admits, I forgive. Strike 2, I see a text on his phone "Can we keep fucking?" "Hey baby" "I miss you sweets where's my pic?" It’s over done. I tell him we can still be friends but if he EVER lies to me about ANYTHING. No me, No Avery. DONE. Strike 3. You’re out. He lied to me about who he was seeing and what he was doing. 2 weeks after his 3rd strike. He lands himself BACK in jail. He will be in jail until June 4th 2013 at which point he will most likely transfer to prison. He violated his probation of five years. So he has 3 years and 8 months left. With that being said I don't want to talk about him any longer. He is the reason I am closing that part of my life and focusing on being positive.
 
The next post is about my life post DB. Until then! :)