It's because of her that I had to tear myself away from DB; don't be fooled by his alias, it's not Douche bag because I don't love him because in a way I do. I don't love how he treated me, I don't love all the lies that he told me. But I do love this little angel that he gave me, and after convincing me that I did love him, I realized that I do, I loved the idea of him and what he said he could be. I am not a jaded person so I always believe the best of people.
When I realized that he wouldn't change, I messaged Jak. I sent him a long email basically saying that I didn't know what I was thinking that he was all I had ever wanted and that is how it would always be. That I know I hurt him and I couldn't be more sorry for anything in my life. He responded a week later saying that he didn't know what to say. I told him not to say anything because I didn't want him to say anything without thinking about it. A few days later he messaged me saying that he didn't have those kinds of feelings for me any more. Then a couple of weeks later he messaged me saying that did have feelings for me and he didn't know what they meant, so he was/is working on figuring them out and that he didn't want me to be held back (from dating I assume) and that he just wanted me to know.
Since those few messages we have spoken on amicable terms and have been very close to friendly. But not quite. I don't want to push him to hard because I don't want him to pull away. But I am very hopeful. He just had surgery from a car accident that he had in 2001. He wanted the screws that they put into his hips to be taken out. So I am hoping texting will be a little bit more regular.
I love him. I love him with everything I have ever known and there is an ache constantly in my heart because I know that what I did hurt him beyond anything I could ever say. All I want to do is tell him that I love him and I want him to be Avery's dad. It is unfair of me to ask that but I want to so badly. I would gladly pack up and move and then start our life over. I feel like I should move there with out him knowing and surprise him but it just is not possible. I don't think he will ever know how much I thought about him or how badly I wish that Avery was biologically his. And I know that he wishes the same thing because he has told me so. I don't know; I don't really have anything more to say about the matter so I am going to go before I say anything that doesn't make sense.
I will post some thoughts on motherhood along with some more pictures of my little Pudge. :)
Call it a tribute to my first mother's day as a mom. :P
No comments:
Post a Comment