Emotion post 1

Like I said I have been talking to Jak a lot lately and I am just finding it so hard to be friends when all I want to do is tell him how much I love him and how much I need him close to me right now. And he could be farther away but my heart isn't taking the distance well. I  feel like with Jak I fucked up beyond repair. And FL... I don't think that it was ever gonna last, just one of those things that was fun while it lasted. And now I feel kinda messed up from DB. Like. MESSED UP. Like I don't deserve Jak ever. And that DB cheated cause I wasn't enough, then logic kicks in and My heart just hurts. I don't feel like my mom enjoys my company any more and I feel like I just bug my grandma when I get here, cause I get tired and nap and then she has to deal with Avery and I feel like I should be super mom and I cant, cause I can't entertain her and clean my room; or my house. I feel like shit, and I feel broken. And I feel like I am not really good for any thing right now....

I feel like I need Jak like I need air. I need him in a way that he isn't ready to be here for me and its killing me. I know that he needs time but, even so it doesn't make now any easier...

I want to talk to him all the time...

Jak is the light, I'll reach him. It just takes time. I need to cry, I know but I just cried a bit. But I can't ugly cry like I need to. I physically can't. Everyone is sleeping and I have to be quiet so I am trying to settle for silently weeping.  I feel like crying like that right now would wake people up.

So I just took a shot of spiced rum, smoked a cigarette. And now I am gonna go crawl into bed and hope I don't wake Avery up.

Night all thanks for putting up with my emotionally dramatic post.